We’ve all heard the saying that the years seem to pass by more quickly as we get older. I can tell you this isn’t a myth, it is true. I can also tell you that love is not an easy thing to find. The connection, the joy you find with another person is rare and precious. When you’re younger you believe that love will be around every other corner. But it isn’t. Or maybe my experience is rare, the one where you meet your “soul mate” at an early age and because I was stupid and impeteous I loose him. I lost him and 23 years later I’m still dreaming about him. Still dreaming about the connection we had and why I let it go. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been a hermit, I have dated, I have loved and lost since then but he seems to always be in the back of my mind. Something always left undone.

My early dreams were always about the unresolved issues of me leaving him without saying goodbye. The short story, we had an argument, he left to go work off-shore in the oil fields and that week I eloped with some guy I didn’t love. He came back two weeks later to learn I eloped, he asked my mother if I was happy. She didn’t know what had happened and said I guess she is. We have never spoken again.

The guy I eloped with to make Jim angry, of course we didn’t stay together. I was still in love with Jim and in some sense can say I always will be, maybe though what I’m longing for is what I thought would have been or the what could have been. The yearning of love lost, I don’t know exactly what it is but it is stll there for me.

I have no idea if he ever thinks of me and more than likely if he does it isn’t in a good way. I have’nt spoken to him since we fought and I turned him away. It is a moment in time I will REGRET forever. But time moves on and I’m happy where I’m at - it kinda reminds me of the Gwenyth Paltrow movies, Train Doors, where you don’t know what would change - who knows.

My early dreams about Jim always included me trying to reconcile with him, apologizing, etc. But at about 25, 7 years after all this happened I sent him a certified letter telling him how sorry I was, pouring my heart out to him. From that point forward I didn’t have those types of dreams. But over the years I’ve continued to dream about Jim. last night I had another one. Even after all these years that connection and bond we shared so many years ago has never been broken for me. The dream seemed so real and I miss him even today.

My advice to you is if you find someone you share a bond with, you know the one where you complete each other sentences, where you feel their pain. Don’t ever let it go. I lost mine because I was young, foolish, and couldn’t see beyond the moments and I’ll pay with a lifetime of regret. And with the possibility of never finding that connection again with anyone.

Although, often times I dream with my eyes open, I dream he’ll find it in his heart to forgive me and find me. But regardless of if I ever see or hear from him again I wish him every happiness in the world and hope he’s happy.

All my love Jim.

Vanessa

One caveat, I moved away from my hometown almost right away. Jim married a girl he dated when we broke up in high school. A girl who was a friend, who metaphorically stabbed me in my back. They are still married.